What’s the Difference Between Spankos and BDSM?

 Spanking vs BDSM

 

From the outside looking in, spanking is an integral part of the BDSM lifestyle. When a submissive or slave breaks a rule or commits some infraction, or when a sadistic Dom, or Domme, or Top, and so on, decides it fancies them, punishment is in order. Spanking is a form of punishment, but also can be an incorporated part of BDSM play. The difference, however, between the way that spanko’s view spanking versus the way that BDSM impact, bondage, or other fetish play people view it, is actually very striking.

 

The discussion should really start at defining a spanko. Thus: A spankophile (spanko) is an individual who derives some form of meaningful personal response to giving, receiving, or watching spankings. These individuals identify as top, bottom, or switch roles.

 

They typically seek a Domestic Discipline form of relationship, but may fall into other similar roles as they identify with other lifestyle aspects. Relationships may include a Daddy or Mommy, littles (those who identify as young children), such as Lil’ Girls and Lil’ Boys, Middles (those who identify as teens), such as Young Man or Young Lady. They may also fall under a Taken in Hand, Head of Household, or even Christian marriage relationship.

 

The most important difference between spanko’s and other BDSM players is the psychology of the spanking aspect of the relationship. Delivery is everything and the nuances of specific actions, methods, implements, and behaviors is crucial to making it work for the spanko minded.

 

The Many Forms of Spanko Relationships

There is a unique diversity among spanko relationships. Let us first list the variations in a general form before delving deeper into each. Spanko relationships fall under the following general types:

  • Domestic Discipline
  • Daddy/Mommy, Littles/Middles
  • Taken in Hand
  • Head of Household

This is by no means a comprehensive list of all people in the spanko walks of life. In fact, the variations of spanko characteristics are vast and complex. For the purposes of general discourse, the four types listed above will be covered.

 

Domestic Discipline

Yet another generalized term, Domestic Discipline refers to a relationship between two people in which spanking is used for the purposes of correcting undesired behaviors. This relationship is typically played out within a relationship where all members are under one roof. There is usually a dominant in charge of the house who doles out traditional spanking discipline as a method for keeping everyone in line.

 

The traditional Domestic Discipline relationship is outlined under “What is Domestic Discipline?” Generally speaking, it incorporates something akin to a 1950’s household where the top takes the role of the “man of the house,” and the bottom takes the role of the submissive wife. When a female is in charge, the same dynamic applies, just in reverse.

Daddies, Mommies, Littles, and Middles

Many people identify as children and have the strong desire or need to live out their childhood roles within a relationship. It should be noted that there are two distinct forms of this fetish, referred to as Adult Babies (AB) and Adult Baby Diaper Lovers (ABDL). The AB fetish often incorporates spanking as part of the relationship dynamic.

 

Littles, as one may have figured by now, are people who identify as young children under the age of 12 years old, albeit a guideline. These individuals willfully regress themselves to the age they identify with, including infantile, toddler, elementary and development ages, and on.

 

AB fetishists play out their age identity by adopting the related lifestyle characteristics. For example, a woman who identifies as a 6-year-old little girl may wear dresses a little girl would wear. She may wear frilly panties with the Disney Princesses on them, or sleep in footy pajamas. One popular trend is the wearing of dropseat pajamas, which are typically footed pajamas with a drop down fabric “door” on the butt, allowing access to the person’s bottom.

 

Middles are age play fetishists who identify with adolescence. They are individuals who act out their identified age as a teenager.

 

The “rules” of AB, just like the rules of BDSM, fetish, and spanking, are extremely adaptable. Some people want to be a young child. They wear diapers, which they even use and are changed by a top acting as their parent. Many will sleep with a pacifier and have a teddy bear, or stuffed animal. It is also not uncommon for them to have a baby blanket which is their “blankie.”

 

The Mommy or Daddy in these relationships acts as the parent. This should be obvious by the title, but with the range of dynamics, this role, again, covers a broad spectrum of characteristics.

 

Generally speaking, the role of the Daddy or Mommy is to care for the little or middle. Spanking in these relationships is used to discipline the “bratty” child.

 

Taken in Hand

Taken in Hand (TiH) relationships are traditionally a man-in-charge dynamic. This is very much the married couple in the 1950’s household. The man makes the rules, calls the shots, and runs the house. The wife, in most cases, is submissive and gives control to the man.

 

TiH is not the same as a Dom/sub or Master/slave dynamic. In most cases, these relationships are nothing more than a traditional household with the man in charge. Because the participants have identified as Taken in Hand, they also live according to a standard set of lifestyle protocols. That is to say, they have a certain way of doing things that is characteristic of this type of relationship.

 

First and foremost, TiH relationships are focused on the mutual love and respect of a committed relationship. The couple has already passed the meeting, dating, and first stages of being together. They have decided that they are mutually exclusive to one another and are monogamous. As usual, however, that doesn’t always have to be the case.

 

Spanking in a TiH relationship is how the man enforces his rules. It is more often used to keep his partner in line, but it is always open for use in sex. What matters is that the two people involved are respectful of each other and the focus is on the couple, not the Dom, or the sub, or the top or the bottom. This is about the connection, commitment, and growth together.

 

Head of Household

The Head of Household (HoH) dynamic is very similar to TiH. The only true nuance is that any member of the relationship can be the HoH. Where TiH is traditionally a male-led household, HoH can be any gender. The point, as in TiH, is that one person rules the roost and, for the purposes of this article, spanking is the tool by which they do it.

 

A Quick Word on Relationship Dynamics

Every spanko has their desires, their needs, and their fetishes. Relationships all take on their own individual characteristics. Like snowflakes, every couple, triad, group, and culture has their own distinct set of traits.

 

For example, many conservative Christian spanking dynamics would consider themselves in a Taken in Hand AND Head of Household relationship. However, spanking is often considered JUST spanking. It can be considered sinful to use spanking for any other purpose than for correcting a wayward wife.

 

By comparison, a lesbian couple might consider the top in the relationship the Head of Household, and also consider themselves part of a Taken in Hand relationship.

 

The most important thing about all of this is that anyone in this melting pot of lifestyle culture has to understand that nothing defines them other than themselves. Whether they are a top, or a bottom, or a switch; whether they are a Mommy, or a Daddy, or a little or a middle; whether they’re monogamous, polyamorous, or just free ranging, none of these things fall under a single exclusive banner that all must adhere to. Make your relationship whatever makes you happy.

 

The Spanko Mindset

One thing that should stand out among all of these various relationship dynamics is that spanking is the core kink. This spanking dynamic, for spankos, is inherently different than it is for BDSM dynamics.

 

First, spanking is about the buttocks. It may go down to the back of the thighs just above the knee. The same activity anywhere else on the body is not a spanking. Not to a spanko, at least.

 

Second, there are spanking implements and there are implements that are NOT spanking implements. A wooden spoon is a spanking implement. A flogger is usually not considered a spanking implement. When a spanko sees a flogging, whoever is playing, whether it be a top or a bottom, they are flogging, or being flogged.

 

Spanking implements include a range of objects that would be traditionally used for spanking. A somewhat detailed list includes:

  • Bare hand
  • Wooden spoons or mixing spoons
  • Spatulas
  • Hairbrushes
  • Bath brushes
  • Razor strops (like grandpa used to sharpen his razor with)
  • Tawse
  • Leather straps
  • School paddles
  • Leather paddles
  • Wood paddles
  • Lexan paddles
  • Belts
  • Canes
  • Spanking buddy
  • Spanking loops
  • Short switches
  • Long switches

 

Many of these items are used in other BDSM activities. However, items that would considered to be non-spanking implements includes:

  • Whips
    • Single tail whips
    • Snake whips
    • Bullwhips
  • Floggers
  • Dragon tails

 

Finally, there are crossover spanking implements. That is to say, they are not “traditional” in some senses of the word, but some people consider them to be so. There are spankos who grew up with these being used on them, or others who find themselves very fond of them. These include:

  • Slippers
  • Rulers
  • Paint stirring sticks
  • Crops
  • Ping pong paddles
  • Cutting boards

 

There’s always an ongoing list of items that can, may, or cannot be considered spanko friendly. Everything is really at the discretion of the players involved. However, when it comes to purist spanko’s, many of the kinks, fetishes, and implements that are used in BDSM or uther kink-fuckery, do not belong in spanking.

 

Third, spanking is a sexual fetish, and it is also not a fetish. In many circles, more often between men, spanking is, in and of itself, used for discipline, motivation, and correction. There are many people who are involved in a spanking relationship that is in no way sexual. They simply give or take spankings in order to help them with aspects of their lives.

 

Some people submit to spankings because it helps them get rid of some level of emotional baggage. The most obvious would be guilt over something they did, but it may also be useful for treatment of trauma. (This is a debated issue. It helps some people. Others find it lascivious.)

 

There are spanking therapists who will talk with a person about their issues. Spanking is used as a release, or as a physical connection to emotional pain. A therapist may use spanking as a way to help someone relax, or sleep better.

 

Sexually, a spanko is aroused by spanking, whether by giving, receiving, or watching. A top is often turned on by giving the punishment. The sound of the strokes and the bottoms cries can be tantalizing, especially when the bottom is getting aroused, as well.

 

A bottom may be aroused by the sensory experience of the pain, or by the psychology of being in trouble. It may be associated with having been spanked as a child and that association can be very sexually powerful for people who were spanked during puberty. In many cases, people who were raised with spanking are strongly enticed by the idea of being an AB. Being “naughty” and getting a spanking for it puts them in the same euphoric disassociation that being a child brings.

 

Fourth, spankings are given when someone is in trouble. The purist spanko wants to be spanked, give spankings, or watch spankings, because they crave the punishment aspect. That does not mean that every spanking must be given for an infraction. Assigning infractions is simple. The point is that the person being spanked is being punished for be naughty.

 

As a spanko bottom, there is a particular experience that one goes through when their top says certain things, or says them in a distinct way. If a Mommy says her little’s full name, first, middle, and last, the response will be profound. It takes that little child inside and makes her, or him, feel very small. It makes them cringe, but it also makes them suddenly very excited.

 

If a bottom does or says something that they know they should not, especially to deliberately get a rise out of their top, the top will give a look that sends chills down the bottom’s spine. It is the look of a disciplinarian that says in no uncertain terms that “you are in trouble and you are going to get a spanking.” Every spanko, especially bottoms, knows that look very well.

 

Fifth, and importantly, a spanking is supposed to hurt. When a BDSM video producer tries to make a spanking video and the top is hardly hitting the bottom, and the bottom is faking their pain, a spanko knows and is not amused.

 

A good hard spanking should, in the very least, leave the bottom a bright red. The bottom will react by crying out, kicking their feet, trying to put their hand in the way of strokes, begging to stop, and telling the top what they want to hear.

 

Harder spankings should leave marks, if possible. Some bottoms just don’t mark without some very severe punishment, and those bottoms become a challenge to the top to leave their mark. Marks are arousing and are a great sign that a spanking was done correctly.

 

No matter how it goes, a spanko wants the spanking to hurt. A spanking that does not hurt is just vanilla foreplay and fails to hit the craving for arousal.

 

To summarize, there are five spanko attributes that are almost definitive of the dynamic. They are:

  1. Spankings go on the buttocks and back of the thighs. Anywhere else is not spanking.
  2. There are spanking implements and there are implements which are not considered spanking implements.
  3. Spanking can be sexual, but it is often not sexual.
  4. Spankings are given in the spirit of punishment.
  5. Spankings should hurt and leave the bottom red, if not well marked.

A Final Word on Spanking and BDSM

Spanking is a fetish that stands alone. It is the same, in many ways, as finding sexual arousal from cock and ball torture, being flogged, or any other sadomasochistic activity. It also stands alone through its nuances and particular traits.

 

What’s important to understand, especially for those who are into BDSM, but may not identify or understand spanking, and are in a relationship with a spanko, is that there is a difference. Whatever role a person is playing in a spanking relationship, it is critical to their experience to understand where they are coming from and what they expect. Failure to do so can quickly turn a fun experience into a disappointment.

 

Hopefully, this article will define spanking and spanko’s in a light that allows new spanko’s, or people in new relationships with spankos, to enhance their time significantly. It may very well mean the difference between long term and short term; married or single.